Will you be the Yang to my Yin

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Will you be the yang to my yin
the benevolent sky to my tender earth
the shining sun to my glimmering moon
the steady mountain to my meandering valley

Will you be the steady flow in my ebullient river
the gusty breeze that pushes my wind to soar higher
the gentle breeze to my violent storm
the warm fire when my soul is frozen

Will you be the child when I feel like an old soul
the gurgling wave when my waters go still
the realistic vision when I am under illusion
the soothing raindrop on my raging sea

Within my yin there is a little bit of your yang
within your yang there is a little bit of my yin
together we exist and together we love
and our progeny is the love child called ” Harmony ”

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

Two deaths. A resolve steeled.

resolve

My mother passed away in February 2015, after battling cancer for a third and final time. Buried in grief, I found myself questioning her soul, “Why didn’t you just live for yourself, after a certain point in your life?”. A couple of years before she moved on to another world, I sensed in her a listlessness, as if she wanted to unburden herself. She told me one day, “I want to sit with someone and just pour my heart out to him/her”. And though she would talk to me about everything, I understood that what she really needed was an anonymous listener. Someone who wasn’t related or known to her. It’s much easier opening up to strangers, isn’t it? Someone who will not judge and will just listen. I think most people experience this after a certain age_ a desire to narrate the story of their life to someone who listens and understands. She passed away, after a painful and prolonged battle with the dreaded disease, aged 63. When you lose someone who is so close to you, your whole perspective changes. You start to realize the meaninglessness of so many practices in your life. It dawns upon you that the nature of life is transient and your time too, is limited. I found myself making a resolve for life- To not waste my time on anything or anyone , not worthy enough.

Three days back; on the 18th of August, 2016, another soul passed away. She was the wife of the Commandant of the small cantonment that I live in. I met her for the first time only two months back and it was a short association. But we met many times after that first meeting at her home. We would meet at private gatherings, official parties, meets for social work and at the various parties that she threw at her beautiful home. The most lively person that I had met so far; she was all smiles and laughs with a zest for life. The term “Joie de vivre” has been coined for people like her. Warm, large hearted, with a larger laugh, she was a force to reckon with. And then suddenly, she was diagnosed with lukaemia. She left for treatment on the 1st of August and told her family that she would be back in no time. We all prayed for her on her 50th birthday on the 12th of August and everyone was certain that she would be back. Then on the 18th, the news of her demise arrived. Everyone was shell shocked and life for all of us came to a standstill for the next three days. All of us went to her home and waited for her family to arrive with “her”. When they arrived, our dearly loved “Ms. Kabindra” had a different identity. She had changed from “Babita” or “Ms. Kabindra”, to the “BODY”. Yes, this is how everyone refers to the departed. I looked around at the garden that she was so fond of, her much loved plants, flowers, her beautifully and lovingly done up home and her pet dogs. I looked at her distraught husband; who is known to be a man of few words and who perhaps delves into the social niceties because of her. I looked at her children; a son aged 22 years and a daughter aged 17 years. They were being brave for their father, exhibiting a maturity beyond their young years. There was a deathly silence in the whole house, as if nobody could come to terms with her sudden departure. When they took her away, the life went away from her home too.

She, who had a thousand more dreams for her children ; she who wanted a pahari bride for her son; she who talked incessantly of her daughter; she who knew how to fully live her life; she who brought life into whichever room that she walked in; she who was a no-holds-barred person; she who had so much of unfinished business to attend to; and she who had so much of life in her heart- had it snatched away. Who knows how many regrets she had , when she was on the ventilator. Who knows how many times she thought ” If only! “. And who knows that, when the Day of Reckoning arrives for us, how many “If only” moments we will have. The resolve that I had made after my mother moved on, has only been steeled some more. The resolve to not have too many moments of “If only” on my Day of Reckoning.

After all , who knows how much more time we have.

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

To be free…to be liberated

freedom-converted

Freedom would be _ to live in a truly liberated society, country and world
Liberated from _ prejudices of all kinds
Prejudices based on _

Color _ Oh, you are white. How, oh how, does a whiter complexion guarantee that you are a superior specimen of humanity?

Caste _ So, you are a brahmin by caste. Should I assume now that you are ” pure ” in every aspect? You must be free from greed, envy, hatred, lust etc. What? No? But isn’t that the essence of being a Brahmin; an exalted and a superior state of mind, heart and soul?

Sex _ Horrors! That person is a gay, lesbian, transsexual ! Kill him! Punish her! They are abnormal! Hey, do you ever stop and think that they were ” born ” that way? According to me, those who spew venom against them are the ones who are actually ” abnormal ” , with warped and unevolved minds. In a tolerant and liberated world, they would be as normal as you and me. Different strokes for different people.

Religion _ The only true religion is humanity; being humane, kind, tolerant, non_ judgemental and peaceful. All these names _ Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, and so on; only bind us, make us slaves, put us inside cages and that is exactly where the power hungry and evil minds want us to stay.

To me , freedom means to LIVE AND LET LIVE.

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

When I am just “ME”

lovely girl with a mug of coffee

It is that time of the day
when I am just “ME”
When I am not a mother, a wife or a daughter
and not a lady of the house
who manages and nurtures a house
so that it is a home, with a soul

I wait for this time of the day
when I am just a girl
who wants to eat instant noodles, all by herself
or, like tonight, toast heaped with butter and jam
when I am feeding just myself
and truly relishing the treat, just for myself

I wait for this time of the day
when I can read, if only a soppy romance novel
when I can write, if only sentimental stuff
when I can walk in my garden, and become one with nature
when I can feel the silence around me
lulling me into a sense of serenity and peace

I wait for this time of the day
when I free myself of all the other identities that I have
of a lioness rearing her cubs, a companion to her spouse
a dutiful daughter to her parents, a nurturer of a welcoming abode
and become that girl
who dreamt a thousand dreams.

And I am glad that the girl still exists.

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

Who are the Shining stars and the Dark clouds in your life?

shining-stars

We all have them in our lives- the Shining Stars and the Dark Clouds. The “Shining Stars” are those people who exude a warm vibe that makes you feel at ease when you are around them. They maybe close to you or mere acquaintances; but you will know them as your shining stars by the warm glow that you feel when you are around them. They are relaxed persons who don’t play any games, so you find yourself relaxing in their company , and smiling. They inspire you to dream and have fun. You don’t need to censor your speech around them and can say what you feel. They will be kind to you without making it obvious; their healthy self esteem doesn’t require that. They will help you and not expect anything in return. The shining stars might not have an in-your-face cheerfulness; they might even be loners. But they are self assured and don’t compete with others. That’s why, they will be genuinely pleased when they see another person doing well. Really , there is no rocket science being discussed here- you just sense it. Being around some people makes you feel warm, cozy, safe and relaxed- they are your very own Shining Stars. Cherish them, they are precious and hard to find.

Then there are the “Dark Clouds”. Within moments of being around these people, you start to feel uncomfortable. They emit negative vibes, making you want to move away from them. These are the disgruntled souls who are unhappy with their lot in life. They blame other people, circumstances and fate for whatever is going wrong in their lives. They are bitter and feel hollow inside when they see others who are , in their opinion, doing well. If they see that you are happy, they will say something that will wipe your smile away. If he or she is someone who is close to you, then they will be like leeches, sucking your happiness away. They will unload all their bitterness, complaints, worries on you; because it’s their “right” to do so; and so you are obliged to hear about their misfortune. They will whine, cry and make you feel responsible about helping them. Some of the “dark clouds” are simply vicious. They will be mean, sarcastic, bullying and will try their best to break your spirit. They believe in _ ” live, but not let live “.They only want to bring you down, because it makes them feel better about their own shortcomings. Really, there is no rocket science being discussed – you just sense it. Being around some people makes you feel drained ,edgy and irritable – they are your Dark Clouds. Avoid them. They are selfish and are aplenty.

To me, it all boils down to that big word – KINDNESS. Those who have this trait in them, they are the Shining Stars; and those who don’t , are the Dark Clouds.

So, have you identified the Shining Stars and the Dark Clouds in your life?

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

Because there is no phone connection to heaven

heaven_telephone

“Hello. Is this heaven? May I speak with my Mom?”.
“May I know who’s on the line please?”.
“It’s me, her daughter.”
“This is not heaven. This is a place way before heaven, where we block all the calls going there.”
“Please let my call through. I desperately need to hear her voice and talk to her again.”
“We can’t do that. There are no lines from earth, going to heaven”
“Then would you please call her down to your booth just this once? Tell her it’s urgent.”
“That’s quite impossible. The most that can be done is to send her in your dreams”.
“Please, I beg of you!”
Click.

And so she dreamt.

I really don’t want to preach or advice. Please take these as heartfelt words of concern from someone who has been through the traumatic experience of losing a parent, comparatively early in life. 37 is not really the age for a person to lose her mother and 63 is not the age for a person to breathe her last.

There are so many times that I want to call her and just vent , about everything. So many times, I want to call her up and ask HER to vent, about everything, and lighten the weight on her soul, accumulated over a lifetime. I want her advice on so many issues, the kind of advice that only a mother can give. I want a sprinkling of her kind and wise words, on my ragged nerves, to help soothe them. When I am raving and ranting about my spouse after a fight, I want to hear her voice telling me to put myself in his shoes and look at the issue from his perspective. I want to hear her chuckle indulgently, when I tell her, ” You are MY mom, not his!”.

Please savour the time that you have with your parents, those of you blessed souls who are fortunate enough to have them in your life. Call them up, if only to complain about everything. But call them you must, because nobody else will tell a 37 year old you to remember to drink that glass of milk at night.

Please, cherish those who worry about you.
Please, cherish those who love you unconditionally.
Please, call those who want to hear your voice.

Because, there is no phone connection to heaven.

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani

Lemons thrown at me….don’t want to make lemonade

 

lemons

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”- a favourite phrase of mine. And I have always tried to do just that-make the best possible lemonade that I can. But lately, I seem to be growing tired of this process. Maybe I don’t like lemonade anymore and want to make orange juice instead. Maybe the universe has started to think that I am okay with lemons and lemonade; and so, has decided that it would keep sending them my way. But hey universe! send me some other nice, sweet fruit now. How about oranges, my favourite? Take it from me in writing that my taste has changed. These lemons are an unwanted gift to me at present. To be more precise- these Fauji Lemons.

So that was me talking in metaphors. Let’s go in for some plain speech now. I am weary of fauji lemons. I am also feeling guilty. Guilty of taking my children away from a much loved home and a much loved garden. Guilty of making them leave a school that they had become comfortable at. Guilty of taking them away from their friends whom they are missing and remembering. Guilty of depriving them of their daily fun evenings at their favourite place- the park. Guilty of bringing them to a strange town where they have to face the fact that there is no decent park that they can go to. Guilty of robbing them of the fun-filled life that they had till now.

Innocent as they are, they have accepted the changes. But I can see the various ways in which my younger daughter is showing signs of stress. She becomes teary-eyed easily and has been telling us that she wants to meet her old friends and go back to her old home. From the friendly and happy “Taidu” who was a favourite of everyone, she has turned into that new kid on the block who has been crying at school. The worst part is – they don’t have Saturdays off at the new school. Sundays come and go; and by the time you get to say “holiday”, it’s Monday and back to school again. Sorry, my sweethearts, my heart is aching for you.

So please, dear Universe, start sending oranges to me now. Coz if you throw any more of these lemons, I might just squirt some lemon juice in your direction!

© Aug 2016 Sapna Dhyani Devrani